Today marks your birthday month, you should be turning 58 and by this time my sister, brother and I and Papa are already planning something for your birthday. Remembering you is easy, but unfortunately all I can do now is to remember you, I can no longer hold you, kiss you, hear your voice, listen to your stories. Remember when I used to color your hair and you would love it everytime I do, I miss you Mama, everyday. It pains me that I cannot see your face anymore, that I can no longer hold your hands and adore your candle like fingers that I am always envious about, everytime we will go to church, you would say: "Beng, hindi ba parang maiksi yang damit mo? Baka hindi ka papasukin ni Father." Or "Anak, gising na sisimba tayo, dali na baby."
Mabigat, ang bigat bigat tuwing maalala ko na wala ka na, na sana nabuhay ka pa ng mas matagal, another 10 more years could've made a difference, but I guess God wanted you to be by His side, siguro hanggang duon na lang talaga. And now that I am nearing delivery of your first apo, I tend to miss you more, it could have been easier, alam ko naman na gustong-gusto mo nang magkaroon ng apo, biro mo nga sa akin dati, okay lang na may baby, kahit wala ng tatay. I know you are watching over us, me and my baby, but I feel na mas magiging masaya kung buhay ka, ikaw ang magiging yaya ng baby ko, you always volunteer.
I am afraid that I might not live up to my baby's expectations of being a good mother, kung tama ba yung ginagawa ko, paano ko malalaman kung may masakit sa baby ko, pag gutom sya, I don't know these things, but I know you know.
I love you Mama, I miss you so much. I will be your birthday on August 21st, you are supposed to turn 58. Happy Birthday, until we meet again.
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